!!

finals are in 9 hours! haha and yet here I am blogging about it. awesome right ;)

life has been great recently. I'm happy with where I am concerning things and people who matter to me, and though I admit that things can be a lot better, things can definitely be a lot worse; so i need to be content with where I am and just be happy with the way things are (:

well, finals are in 9 hours, yet again. after that, I have a short 4 1/2 days break before the next 6 weeks start on Monday. I'd have to say that though I didn't quite like the teacher for my International Business class, I enjoyed the substance of IB and definitely am considering pursuing a career around it. I know it'll take me places and away from those I love, but I'm sure I could work something out right?

"I know it seems that she's in my life, but don't worry, she's got nothing on you babe ;)"

what I was born to do

--> this one is for you. <--

I've given all this much thought and I've come to the conclusion that no matter what happens, nothing is going to change how much I love you, and how much I want to be with you.

So, I love you.

why why why.

See, there's this thing about feeling guilty. Usually, well actually to start off, there's the idea of right and wrong, good and evil, etc. Everyone knows that. Be it from upbringing where our parents told us about the general idea of it, or perhaps religion, school system, siblings for that matter, we know from somewhere, somehow that there're certain societal norms we need to comply before being deemed deviant.

Then from there, we decide whether we chose to be a "law-abiding citizen" and try our best to be good, do the right things, yada yada yada, or chose to be a bad-guy and do whatever it is we want, when we want, how we want and to whom we want.

But different throughout every being, there's a different level of guilt-feeling/pang. If one is brought up in say a religious home where good things were all that were expected of him, and he does a small thing like lie about feeling sick so he doesn't have to go to school, then the guilty feeling is a whole lot stronger; compare that to a guy who was brought up in a broken home where his parents never cared and bothered to check if he went to school, skipping out on classes was part of his daily schedule. In fact, going to classes might even be a deviant behavior for him.

But see, that's talking about doing something, and then feeling guilty for doing what we did. How about the times when we never did anything wrong, and yet still feel guilty for something that has happened? I'm sure that has happened to you. So then, is that guiltiness? Is not guiltiness defined as a feeling that we have when we do something 'wrong' and wish we perhaps had not? So is that feeling then guiltiness? If it is, then does guiltiness mean something more than what we think it to be? Or say it's not guiltiness, then this feeling that we have is not guiltiness, but yet mirrors it in so many ways.

So then, what is that feeling? What is THIS feeling? Why do I feel guilty for doing something I never did? Why do I feel bad, that something that I did not to nor choose to do, and is affecting me so much that I can't even operate?

Please someone, enlighten me. For this soul is duly in distress, and productivity level has reached an all time low in the plunge towards darkness and misery.

love

The past 3 days have been awesome. If there was ever a doubt in my mind that there's a possibility that I'm living in a world without love from people without my family, it's gone now. It was the first time that I spent so much quality, valuable and fun time with someone that meant so much to me, something I've never experienced before in my life. Thursday night with Char and Faizal was awesome too, going out and just having fun, going to the airport and having tons of laughter and chuckles at McD's.

When I started off this post, I had actually wanted to talk about the past few days and what I've done with who and where and stuff like that, but I decided that I'd just talk about something else instead that has been on my mind; love.

The Bible speaks about 3 different types of love, each differentiated not so much by the amount, but the kind or if you would, degrees of love. But as each 'level' of love gets higher, so does the intensity and in simple terms, you do more things for the higher 'levels' of love. Thursday and Friday especially, has shown to me what agape love can be. Perhaps it's philos rather than agape as of right now, but regardless of which it is, I know the feeling and it feels amazing. It's been so long since I've felt anything close to where I am right now. It's like all mushy and goo-ey and stuff, haha. But sincerely, thank you for all that you've done for me and everything you're going to do in the future. My birthday yesterday was easily the best birthday I've ever had, and it's not because of what I got or where I was or what I was doing, but it was merely having you around that made it oh-so-very amazing. Thank you (:

Here's to you <3

sem.

Well well, it's back to a new semester for me. This past Monday marked my 4th last semester with SIM-UB. As much as I wanted a few more days of holidays to just settle down and take things slowly, not to mention that I wanted to do a few more things like go fishing, take a day trip to Bintan/Batam, take a short trip to Genting etc., today was actually not too bad of a day in school. Oddly enough, my semester is broken down into two parts each 6 weeks long. For my first 6 weeks, I'm just focusing on one module which is GEO 330- Introduction to International Business. I thought it was a rather interesting class, talking about looking at international business from a more geographical viewpoint. It also looks at culture and government laws etc., so I thought that it can get really interesting.

We talked in class today about how McD's has finally been able to open up a market for fast food outlets in France, by also selling beer alongside their regular menus. Then there was a discussion about YUM and how they decided to open up shops in America with both TacoBell and KFC in one store, so families would not have to choose between which to go to when their kids can't agree on one. It really is innovative and interesting how businesses now have to go the extra mile to find out about their clientele and what appeals to them.

Besides that, things are pretty amazing. I'm enjoying taking each day at a time trying to improve myself slowly as time goes by. I've decided to focus the rest of the 'year' on myself and improving on specific areas of my life to make myself a better person and I promised myself I'd work hard at it and really come out on top of things. We'll see how that goes (:

cwxm.

but well, yes, you are the awesomest, cutest and sweetest straight boy i've met in my life. u've probably set a benchmark so high that other guys will find it hard to meet.
and, i'm glad that i met and found you somehow or another in my life (:

here I am, once again.

Well here I am, once again. I don't really know why I keep coming back to this fork-road, but needless to say, it's indubitable. If you've ever trusted or loved, you'll have been here before. I try so hard sometimes, but I have to learn to accept that there're some things that are beyond my control. No matter how much I want it, some things were perhaps never meant to be.

"no matter what I do or say, it just won't change anything; about the way you think, past or present. and even if things do carry on, you'll always have that doubt inside you."

I don't know what's there to be left to said. As perfect as it was, it broke. As amazing as it was, it ended. I don't know if things will go back to be the way they were, or if they never would; but I do know that my feelings have never changed. I still do trust you with what I have, I still think the same way of you, I still do look back at those moments with fondness and urge to replay every single moment. This door will stay open for you till the day you decide to come back through it for as long as it can.

"you may not be perfect, but someone someday will think you are. he will love you for each and every imperfection and flaw. he will wait all day just to see you, and stay all night just to hold you. to him, you will be more than perfect, you'll be the love of his life."

You know over time, I've come to realize something. Sometimes, we never give things enough time to show itself. You might be doing the right thing, and it may be exactly what you want it to be. But if you give it up so easily and readily, and never allow it to bloom and blossom, you'll never know what you actually had in the first place. After all, we often times never know what we have until we first lose it. Tell me then, wouldn't it be a little wrong to give up on something that you never know what might come out of it? At least if you tried and it didn't work out, then you can at least say you tried. And yea things may get rough in the end, but don't we fall to learn to stand and walk again?

Tell me, what do I have left to hold on, little or not?